So where do I begin? There is plenty of time to go back and forth through my struggles and changes over the past several years. But I think I will start with the reason of where I am today. [if you really don’t want to read, there is a TL;DR at the end]
July 2012 – It must have been at least 75 degrees plus 100% humidity (okay maybe an exaggeration) on the indoor soccer field. It was two weeks away from the annual Virginia Beach tournament. I was playing on my tournament team when two girls sandwiched me and I went down. When I say I went down, I mean I heard two snaps – once when my ankle rolled on the inside and then again when my ankle rolled on the outside. I hit the ground and I couldn’t get up. I knew with at least 7 Grade 2 sprains to my right ankle I wasn’t going to recover from this before the tournament. I was devastated because this will have been the first time in 9 years I will have not have participated in the VB tournament.
A few days later I went to see my orthopedic and he said I had two choices
1 – ligament and arthroscopic surgery
2 – rest it and go to physical therapy
He said if I choose #2, I will always need to wear a brace and I will most likely re-sprain my ankle over and over again. If I choose #1, I will be out for at least a year, but the amount of time I’ll be out would be less than the amount of time I’d be out from spraining it.
It took me several months to decide, but I chose #1.
May 2013 – This was surgery day. My orthopedic is amazing. He walked me through everything and told me he’s done hundreds of these surgeries, so there isn’t anything to worry about. The surgery took less than 3 hours to do. I woke up and believe me, there are some fun videos out there of me. I haven’t seen them – I don’t think I really want to. I had some great friends who stayed during the surgery and then helped me get home.
5 days after surgery
5 days after surgery
But this started one of the hardest mental struggles I ever faced. The rehab from the surgery wasn’t really the issue. I was mentally prepared for it. It sucked, it hurt. Physical therapy 3 times a week for 90+ mins each time sucked a lot. The fact that I still cannot fully point my foot a year and half out sucks. But it wasn’t till I tried working out and playing soccer again where I found I wasn’t mentally prepared.
Jan 2014 – I went into training like I used to. I dry heaved after the first 10 times of my personal training session. And it wasn’t like we did anything new. I felt like I failed. I couldn’t last more then 10 mins on the treadmill walking. WALKING. Later that night I tried playing soccer and I couldn’t even last 5 mins on the field before I had to be subbed off. I went home and cried. I cried for 2 weeks straight. Maybe not every night, but I became depressed over this. I couldn’t believe me – the person who was benching 135 lbs, doing high intensity cardio for 90+ minutes, playing 2-4 soccer games night – was now unable to do anything for more then 10 minutes. To me that was the most mentally devastating thing that could happen. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t have a plan. I didn’t have anyone to talk about because I felt like no one would understand what I was going through. I gained about 55+lbs from the surgery because I didn’t eat properly or work out. So not only did I gain a small child on my body, I was officially out of shape. And there was nothing worse then feeling like the fat person at the gym.
While I silently cheered them on, I never once associated myself with them. As awful as that sounds, it’s true. I never once thought myself to be an actual fat person. Why you ask – because I was relatively fit despite my weight. I could play 2-4 60 mins soccer games a night. I could last a full spin class without being completely dead. I could lift heavy weight. I was what you might call fit and fat. I wasn’t unfit and fat. But now, I was and it made me feel terrible about myself. I felt uncomfortable at the gym. I felt incredibly insecure. In turn, I ate more. I drank more. I didn’t care. Soon my clothes weren’t fitting and I became more depressed.
Now you wonder, where were my friends in all of this. Why weren’t they helping me. They were there, but I can put on a great face and I didn’t talk to them about it. I internalized all of it. Which created this vicious cycle of I would try, I would feel like I was failing, I would eat and drink, and I would feel like shit again. Vicious. Cycle. I tried working with a trainer, but I wasn’t ready. It was too much mentally for me to do this.
A year and a half went by. I did a couple of weight loss programs – Weight watchers and Paleo diets. Didn’t stick to any. I tried working out with friends, but that didn’t help either. I called up my old trainer Joe in Sept and now I had been working out with him for a few months. I saw some changes. I was running and losing inches. I wasn’t eating the best – I can admit that. I know that eating is 80% of losing weight. I still haven’t gotten my head wrapped around this. Several months go by, I stopped training with my trainer. For personal reasons that I will not get into here, at least not now. I now feel lost. I start spiraling again since I don’t have anything to keep me in check.
July 2015 – I had a heart to heart with my friend Jess. I have been truly unkind to myself. I have been beating myself up for far too long about my weight, my training, and my eating. I allowed outside influences to come in and make me feel bad about myself. I needed to start doing some self love. I started doing the 24 day Advocare Challenge and I gave up because I felt like I failed because I missed a a few days. She told me I didn’t fail and that I needed to start changing the way I think about myself. Which is always easier said then done, right? So I told her that I wanted to do the 24 Day Advocare Challenge again and this time I will be more disciplined.
Aug 2015 – I started the 24 day Advocare Challenge with the help of my friend and Advocare Coach Jess. I am looking forward to staying on track and becoming kinder to myself.
Now this isn’t going to be YAY DO ADVOCARE or ADVOCARE is the best. This just me and my journey. If you want to learn more about it then message me. If you want to order stuff, I have my distributor link on my page. Otherwise, you make your own decisions.
TL;DR – Had surgery. Gained weight. Couldn’t go back to what I used to do. Gained more weight. Started a new weight loss program. We’ll see what happens from here.
So after all that, this is where I am now. I will have more detailed posts about certain aspects of my life that affected me during the past 3 years along with the years prior to that. I will also post about my goals and what I’m doing to achieve them. I want to provide advice that I have been given and worked and advice that doesn’t work – for me.
In order to help keep me accountable and as incredibly embarrassing it is to announce to the world, but here are my measurements:
R – Arm: 18″
L – Arm: 18.5″
R – Thigh: 29.5″
L – Thigh: 29.5″
I will update these measurements every month and will also add pictures.
I know gaining the weight wasn’t done in a day and I know losing it won’t happen in a day. So for now, kill those calories.
PS there are some f bombs and swearing in the video. You have been warned.