5 Reasons Why You Should Stop Judging Yourself

Thought Catalog

We’ve all had “that moment.” That “oh shit, I really shouldn’t have eaten that piece of cake” or that “dammit why did I go home with that guy last night” moment. We spend so much time condemning ourselves for things we’re not “supposed” to do that life becomes more about trying not to fuck it up than actually enjoying ourselves. So here’s a list of reasons to stop making yourself feel like shit:

1. You don’t deserve to feel like shit.

No matter who you may have slept with, how many illicit cookies you’ve snuck when your diet wasn’t looking, or how many times you’ve said “YOLO”, you are still one majestic human creature and you deserve to feel like one.

2. Someone else has done/said/thought worse than whatever you are currently judging yourself for.

Now, normally I’m not a person to make myself feel better by cutting others down…

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Lucky Number 15…

“Unless you puke, faint, or die – you keep going” Jillian Michaels 

Since I am starting out with my #15ish trainer, I figured I would give my two cents on picking a trainer.  15 trainers… I know I know. That sounds super high maintenance.  There were a lot of things that came into play with them.

1- I wasn’t really ready to work hard with them.  So after a few sessions, I’d quit.

2- They would leave me.  I had a couple move out of state and one go to LV to do MMA professionally (yea he was kind of bad ass and scary as shit).

3- They weren’t a good fit.

Now everyone has their own style of training.  Some are the militant/yelling kind or you get the soft spoken/cheerleader or you get the quiet/don’t screw with me.  The last one – the quiet/don’t screw with me trainer – they are my favorite.  Because you never know what they have up their sleeve.  What kind of torture training they have ready for you when you walk into the gym.

My favorite trainer is affectionately known as “Joe the White Devil”. Due to some unfortunate circumstances I am no longer training with him, but I have to give him some credit.  He got me LOVING weightlifting.  He was the one who set my current PB’s (Personal Bests).  He was the one who, while I trained with him, believed I could do anything that I wanted to.  He would put up with my bullshit and my back talk.  He knew how to work with me and I him. I actually have a list of Joeisms – quotes/comments/personal mottos that he used to say to me while we would workout.  I’ll post those at a later date.

Back to picking out a training. I have a few pieces of advice on selecting one:

  • Find someone who you connect with.  Not just the next Joe/Jill Blow.  If your gym puts you with someone and you don’t like them – switch. Don’t worry about hurting their feelings. It’s not them you have to care, it’s you.  Because it is YOUR WORKOUT. Who’s workout? YOUR WORKOUT and also your money.  You don’t want to be dropping $50+/hr on some schmuck who you don’t like because they [insert any type of thing you don’t like about them]? NO that’s stupid.  If you want to do that, please come to Connecticut and I’ll train you myself.
  • Certifications are good, but how do they workout?  How do they look? Do they keep up with the latest and great ideas? Do they incorporate them into their training style?  Do they use the same workout for all of their clients or do they switch it up accordingly?  Yes they need to be certified, but there are other things you need to look at.
  • How involved are they in their clients work out?  Are they distracted by other people/friends/clients?  Do they really pay attention to what their client is doing? Are they just letting their client use bad form?

I also will say your trainer should be your friend and gym confidant.  Not that you have to tell them your whole life story, but you have to feel comfortable enough to know that they got your back at the gym.  That they will do the best they can as long as you show up and give the best you can.

My new trainer.  

Frankie Carlson from Rebel Fitness.


Doesn’t he look so badass ladies?   Yeup I get to have my ass kicked by him once maybe twice a week for an hour.  When I told him that I was blogging my weight loss, he said and I quote, “Can’t wait for you to blog about me kicking your ass and you loving it”.

I asked him to provide me some info about himself since I’m still getting to know him.  This is his reply:

“Well ppl from the gym call me FrankieFit. I was born in Savannah, GA and raised in Florida. Graduated from MCC And continuing school in the spring. I’m obsessed with kettle bells and my pitbull. From what I’m told, I’m a caring and motivated person. I care. As simple as that.”

Great. Kettle bells.  I shoCaptureuld have done my trainer interview a little bit better.  Anyways, I look forward to working with him.  I have a feeling that we’ll end up working out well.  I already have a great shirt to wear when I drop my first 15lbs.

I think he’ll love it. If not, then I’ll be paying for wearing it.. hahaha

I will post updates on FrankieFit (still need to work on my own nickname for him) and my training with him.  I’m sure everyone will want to know how much I hate love him.

Until next time, kill those calories.


Just Another Day …

It is day 8 of the Advocare Challenge.  I have lost approx. 4 lbs from eating better. While I haven’t been 100% clean on the challenge so far, I would say I’ve been 80/20.  Which honestly is going to be the only way that I will lose weight.

So let’s talk about sex food baby…

I am coming up to the end of the first 10 days with the Advocare Challenge.  My current meal plan is eating 6 times a day – three actual meals, 1 small meals, and 1 snack.  I also take some supplements – Omega3 pills.  Each meal consists of a protein and veggie and one of the meals has a carb in it (sweet potatoes really..). I am awesome at food prepping, but terrible about actually eating the food. haha  I use one of the meal replacement shakes for a meal and it has helped.

The next 14 days will consist of taking supplements twice a day, a meal replacement shake and 4 small meals a day (roughly).  I will be traveling for the 14 days so it will be harder to stay on track, but once again 80/20 rule.  If I can for 80% or more of my day be on track then it is okay for 20% or less to be not on track.  Team meals and staying with my BFF from college, will make it challenging travel weeks.  Just keep on keeping on.

so my workouts.

I haven’t really put up on here what I’ve been doing for workouts.  One of them is starting up with a trainer again.  I can’t wait.  I will come up with some snarky nickname instead of his real one (though I will post his name and where he works out of).  I also checked out my gyms group training and I started going to the spin classes and their boot camps.  I also have been doing some random days on the 30 day challenges thing.

Honestly, I am really working on not beating myself up if I don’t follow my meal plan to the “t”.  Like I said in earlier posts, my weight loss is more of a mental thing for me.  I am lucky that Jess continues to every day along with checking in on me with how I am feeling that day and how my eating is going.  It really helps to have someone who doesn’t make you feel like complete shit when you’re honest with them about what you have or haven’t done.

So for now, I am keeping on keeping on.  Eating better every day, every meal.  Working out more and more.  That’s all I can really do… for now.

Kill those calories.


Weight loss is not only a physical challenge, it is a mental one. – Unknown

When you have struggled with being overweight for as long as I have been (12+ yrs), you fall into a weirdly comfortable place with yourself. You know you are overweight.  You know you can’t wear certain clothes.  You can’t do certain activities.  You get used to the fears like “will you be able to fit in an airplane seat?” or “will a seat belt fit me?”  You begin to become self conscious about things that never used to bother you – like can you squeeze in between two chairs, or will you bump into people while trying to walk in a club?  You slowly start to accept your size.  You start finding comfort in your size.  It sounds almost crazy, but you start to just be okay with being overweight because you can’t won’t don’t do anything about it. Like I said in my previous post, it is a vicious cycle.  You start, you lose motivation/confidence, you fail, you eat, you gain weight.  Wash. Rinse. Repeat.  It sucks.

Last night I had a late night talk with one of my friends.  I opened up to him about my fears with losing weight.  As silly as it sounds, I am terrified of losing weight.  I want to lose 100+ lbs.  That is a small child.  That is my safety blanket.  That is my emotions in a physical form.  To feel like you’re “losing yourself” is a scary place to be.   I had a friend frienemy tell me that she thought if I lost weight I would become a conceited bitch. While I am no longer friends with that person, that statement stayed with me.  It shouldn’t have, but it does.  It hurts because now I question, would I turn into that?  Would I be one of those people who looks down at people who are overweight even though I was one?  And to me that is the scariest thing of all about losing weight – would I lose myself and become someone who my past self would be ashamed of? Will I think that what I did was enough?  Enough for me?  For my friends? For the guy I want to date?  For the work place?

I know how crazy that last paragraph sounds.  Trust me.  I have re-read that several times.  Like 20 times.  This is exactly why anyone who has/is/was working on losing weight will tell you – it isn’t just a physical challenge, but a HUGE mental challenge.  I can go and run every day.  I can boot camp/circuit train/personal train every day. But if my mind is telling me “you’ll never be able to lose the weight” or “you’re a fatty and that is all you’ll ever be” or “no matter how much weight you lose [insert person of interest] will never like you” then you start to feel like what’s the point.  Yea there’s the health issue – which is sad that this isn’t really enough – and the feeling of not having to worry if I’m going to fit in an airplane seat comfortably, and the ability to wear the weight loss outfit, which are all great things that come out of losing weight.  But some days, those reasons are just not enough, and my mind goes to a really sad place, so I stay where I am.

Now I’m not saying that I’m okay with any of it.  I mean I guess in some way I am since I haven’t done much to really change it, but I know that the last couple of years I have been extremely unkind to myself.  Beating myself up over not being able to do things I did pre-surgery, post surgery, and then allowing a person to manifest unrealistic goals and expectations in my mind. So when I didn’t act accordingly, I would feel guilty and beat myself up over it.  I slowly started getting anxiety moments (luckily never had a full-on attack).  I started lying to myself about how bad it was. Everything that happened ended up being complete poison to my mental and physical health.

Thankfully I got rid of the person(s) who hindered me, I took a few months to regroup, and I have been becoming kinder and showing myself more love.  I still am working on the mental challenge of believing I can lose the weight, and while I don’t believe yet – the key word is yet! – I have a lot of people that do believe in me and who are supporting me.  It’s you – the reader – my fantastical friends, my Advocare coach and confidant Jess, and my new trainer [I will come up with a fantastic nickname for him], that I need for now.  Eventually I would like to be able to believe in myself and not have to lean on them, but until then I have them to keep me in line and to pick me up when I’m down.

Kill those calories.


[Three] Year Review.. or is it a Recap?

So where do I begin?  There is plenty of time to go back and forth through my struggles and changes over the past several years.  But I think I will start with the reason of where I am today. [if you really don’t want to read, there is a TL;DR at the end]

July 2012 – It must have been at least 75 degrees plus 100% humidity (okay maybe an exaggeration) on the indoor soccer field.  It was two weeks away from the annual Virginia Beach tournament.  I was playing on my tournament team when two girls sandwiched me and I went down.  When I say I went down, I mean I heard two snaps – once when my ankle rolled on the inside and then again when my ankle rolled on the outside.  I hit the ground and I couldn’t get up. I knew with at least 7 Grade 2 sprains to my right ankle I wasn’t going to recover from this before the tournament.  I was devastated because this will have been the first time in 9 years I will have not have participated in the VB tournament.

A few days later I went to see my orthopedic and he said I had two choices

1 – ligament and arthroscopic surgery


2 – rest it and go to physical therapy

He said if I choose #2, I will always need to wear a brace and I will most likely re-sprain my ankle over and over again.  If I choose #1, I will be out for at least a year, but the amount of time I’ll be out would be less than the amount of time I’d be out from spraining it.

It took me several months to decide, but I chose #1.

May 2013 – This was surgery day.  My orthopedic is amazing.  He walked me through everything and told me he’s done hundreds of these surgeries, so there isn’t anything to worry about.  The surgery took less than 3 hours to do.  I woke up and believe me, there are some fun videos out there of me.  I haven’t seen them – I don’t think I really want to.  I had some great friends who stayed during the surgery and then helped me get home.


5 days after surgery

5 days after surgery

5 days after surgery

But this started one of the hardest mental struggles I ever faced.  The rehab from the surgery wasn’t really the issue.  I was mentally prepared for it. It sucked, it hurt.  Physical therapy 3 times a week for 90+ mins each time sucked a lot.  The fact that I still cannot fully point my foot a year and half out sucks.  But it wasn’t till I tried working out and playing soccer again where I found I wasn’t mentally prepared.

Jan 2014 – I went into training like I used to. I dry heaved after the first 10 times of my personal training session.  And it wasn’t like we did anything new. I felt like I failed.  I couldn’t last more then 10 mins on the treadmill walking.  WALKING.  Later that night I tried playing soccer and I couldn’t even last 5 mins on the field before I had to be subbed off.  I went home and cried.  I cried for 2 weeks straight.  Maybe not every night, but I became depressed over this.  I couldn’t believe me – the person who was benching 135 lbs, doing high intensity cardio for 90+ minutes, playing 2-4 soccer games night – was now unable to do anything for more then 10 minutes.  To me that was the most mentally devastating thing that could happen.  I didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t have a plan.  I didn’t have anyone to talk about because I felt like no one would understand what I was going through.  I gained about 55+lbs from the surgery because I didn’t eat properly or work out.  So not only did I gain a small child on my body, I was officially out of shape.  And there was nothing worse then feeling like the fat person at the gym.

While I silently cheered them on, I never once associated myself with them.  As awful as that sounds, it’s true.  I never once thought myself to be an actual fat person. Why you ask – because I was relatively fit despite my weight.  I could play 2-4 60 mins soccer games a night.  I could last a full spin class without being completely dead.  I could lift heavy weight.  I was what you might call fit and fat.  I wasn’t unfit and fat.  But now, I was and it made me feel terrible about myself. I felt uncomfortable at the gym.  I felt incredibly insecure.  In turn, I ate more.  I drank more.  I didn’t care.  Soon my clothes weren’t fitting and I became more depressed.

Now you wonder, where were my friends in all of this.  Why weren’t they helping me.  They were there, but I can put on a great face and I didn’t talk to them about it.  I internalized all of it.  Which created this vicious cycle of I would try, I would feel like I was failing, I would eat and drink, and I would feel like shit again.  Vicious. Cycle.  I tried working with a trainer, but I wasn’t ready.  It was too much mentally for me to do this.

A year and a half went by. I did a couple of weight loss programs – Weight watchers and Paleo diets.  Didn’t stick to any.  I tried working out with friends, but that didn’t help either.  I called up my old trainer Joe in Sept and now I had been working out with him for a few months.  I saw some changes.  I was running and losing inches.  I wasn’t eating the best – I can admit that.  I know that eating is 80% of losing weight.  I still haven’t gotten my head wrapped around this. Several months go by, I stopped training with my trainer.  For personal reasons that I will not get into here, at least not now.  I now feel lost.  I start spiraling again since I don’t have anything to keep me in check.

July 2015 – I had a heart to heart with my friend Jess.  I have been truly unkind to myself.  I have been beating myself up for far too long about my weight, my training, and my eating. I allowed outside influences to come in and make me feel bad about myself.  I needed to start doing some self love.  I started doing the 24 day Advocare Challenge and I gave up because I felt like I failed because I missed a a few days.  She told me I didn’t fail and that I needed to start changing the way I think about myself. Which is always easier said then done, right?  So I told her that I wanted to do the 24 Day Advocare Challenge again and this time I will be more disciplined.

Aug 2015 – I started the 24 day Advocare Challenge with the help of my friend and Advocare Coach Jess. I am looking forward to staying on track and becoming kinder to myself.

Now this isn’t going to be YAY DO ADVOCARE or ADVOCARE is the best. This just me and my journey.  If you want to learn more about it then message me.  If you want to order stuff, I have my distributor link on my page.  Otherwise, you make your own decisions.

TL;DR – Had surgery.  Gained weight.  Couldn’t go back to what I used to do. Gained more weight. Started a new weight loss program.  We’ll see what happens from here.

So after all that, this is where I am now.  I will have more detailed posts about certain aspects of my life that affected me during the past 3 years along with the years prior to that.  I will also post about my goals and what I’m doing to achieve them.  I want to provide advice that I have been given and worked and advice that doesn’t work – for me.

In order to help keep me accountable and as incredibly embarrassing it is to announce to the world, but here are my measurements:

275 lbs

R – Arm: 18″

L – Arm: 18.5″

Waist: 52″

Hips: 58″

R – Thigh: 29.5″

L – Thigh: 29.5″

I will update these measurements every month and will also add pictures.

I know gaining the weight wasn’t done in a day and I know losing it won’t happen in a day.  So for now, kill those calories.


PS there are some f bombs and swearing in the video.  You have been warned.

There is No Such Thing as “Going Back to Square One”

“There is no such thing as “going back to square one” even if you feel like you’re having to start over. You are trying again with more knowledge, strength, and power than you had before. Your journey was never over, it was just waiting for you to find it again.” ~ Unknown

Here you will read about my ups, downs, lefts, and rights.  My sprints and trips, my climbs and falls, but most of all the things that have helped me accomplish my weight loss goals. And boy do I have some hefty goals – 100lb weight loss, running a half marathon under 3.5 hrs, and doing a GORUCK Challenge.

I am going to keep this short, as I will be posting another more in-depth look at me. But for now…

Welcome to the jungle my journey…